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A   W E L L   T H O U G H T   O U T   P L A N

Author: Jess (
Rating: PG
Summary: Sequel to An Unwelcome Eye Opener
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: : None of the characters belong to me
Distribution: Please ask the author.
Author's Note: This is the sequal to An UnWelcome Eye Opener. I wasn't planning on doing a sequal but since I got much feedback asking for one... I did it. How can I resist feedback? Hint, hint...


“Why, Angel! That’s fantastic!”

I think I have just entered the twilight zone.

“Whoa, go Angel! Getting your mac on and everything!” Gunn too? This can't be real.

Angel cannot date.

“She seems real nice,” Fred???

Angel cannot date.

“Indeed she does. A nice young lady if I do say so myself.”

Angel cannot date.

Voice? Would you like to help me out a little here?

“Angel cannot date!”

And everyone just looks at me. There’s a word that goes with the expressions on their faces: dumbstruck. Flabbergasted works too, especially since I really love that word. Oh! And ‘serendipity’ is like the cutest word ever invented… I’m not sure what it means, though.

Oops, I’ve gotten a little side tracked. Heh.

Anyways, it would appear as if I’m the only voice of reason at the moment. I’m the only one here that has their head screwed on right. I’m— Oh my God. I’m still lying on the floor. Idiot!

I’ll just pick myself up off the floor gracefully… OK, so that wasn’t very graceful at all. It totally ruined the serious, hardcore vibe I was trying to produce.

“Cordelia, what do you mean ‘Angel cannot date’?” Tsk, tsk, tsk, Wesley… DUH!!

“Right, Wes. When I say that Angel cannot date what I really mean is Angel can date. Wow, Wes, you read me just so well!” I’ll wave my arms in the air for extra ‘that was one dumb ass question’ emphasis. “Guys, tell me. Am I that transparent?” All right, time to get serious, “What do you think I mean, Wes? I mean Angel,” I’m jabbing Angel in the chest to underline my point, not for the simple of pleasure of touching him. Honest. “Cannot date.”

Great. Now Angel’s looking at me as if he’s a little five-year-old boy whose pet goldfish, ‘Skippy’, is floating at the top of his bowl. He just can’t figure out why Skippy isn’t swimming around the bowl like normal, but he knows it isn’t good.

Wow. That was a really great analogy. Sometimes I even surprise myself.

“Cordy, why can’t I date?”

For a 250 year old, Angel is considerably dense.

“Um, does the word ‘vampire’ mean anything to you? ‘Curse’ ring any bells?”

“Cordy, it’s just one date. It’s not like we’re gonna…”

Yeah, you better not finish that sentence.

“Cordelia, just because you don’t like Carly doesn’t mean Angel shouldn’t be allowed to date her.”

“Wes, you are way off base here. As in the base is in like Russia, and you’re on Jupiter!”

OK, so that analogy wasn’t as great as my Skippy analogy… But jeez, how many is a girl expected to come up with in a span of thirty seconds?

“Now, Cordelia—“

“OK, so I don’t like her. You got me. But that doesn’t mean that’s the only reason she can’t go out with Angel.”

“Care to share then?”

Oh, so now it’s share time. And that’s just great cause I’ve got tons and tons of reasons why she and Angel can’t go out. Tons.

“Fine! She’s totally,” um… “And plus she’s got too much,” Since I can’t come up with any words I’m, for some reason that is completely escaping me right now, waving my arms around like a… a… chimp! Stop Cordelia. Stop! Somebody stop me. “Oh, and let’s not forget the,” More of the aimless arm gestures, “And she,” To top things off ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be mock barfing and sticking my index finger in my mouth. Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here till Thursday.

Where’s a portal to jump through when you really need one? Or maybe a nice 7.0 earthquake so the floor will just open up and swallow me whole? Anything!

“Cordy, those aren’t reasons. That’s you doing jumping jacks without the jumping.”

Thanks, Gunn. I can always count on you to state the obvious and multiply my existing humiliation by like a thousand.

“Um, I’ve got to get Carly home. She’s still waiting outside,” Angel’s making a run for it. Typical.

Carly. Hmph. I don’t trust her any further than I can throw her. I just know that she’ll try something with Angel. And with him being so… male and her being… there, how can he resist?

“Angel! I’ve got one word for you: Curse!”

Well then, ‘grr’ to you too mister. What’d I do to deserve a growl? Just for that I’m not saying Good-Bye.

Why is everyone watching him as he walks away? Don’t get me wrong; it’s a nice view. What? I’m allowed to look every once in a while. But no touchy. And he’s got the best as—

“Well, Cordelia, that was a lovely display of jealousy if I do say so myself.”

Jea- Jealous?!

“I am not jealous, Wesley!”

“Oh really? Then why weren’t you able to come up with a validate reason as to why Angel shouldn’t go on this date?”

Um… Drawing a blank here.

“Hmph. That’s easy. Well… Just… Because!”

Now that was a great explanation. Just fabulous.


“Yeah! Because.”

Wesley just sighed! At me! God, I’ve sunk so low.

“Cordelia, you date all the time and—“

What? Am I hearing correctly?

“Whoa! Stop right there Brit Boy! I haven’t been on a date in ages! Don’t give me that look, Wes! You know very well whom my last date was with! I know you remember David.”

There we go… it’s dawning on him.

“That’s right, you better damn well remember because we had to pay for his therapy with the company budget after you, Gunn, and Angel ‘entertained’ him!” Making those little quotations marks with your fingers is really fun.

The look of guilt. One point for me!

Does Gunn really think that I can’t hear him snickering from here?

“Stop that!”

Oh yeah. I’ve still got it. But I feel so bad afterwards when Gunn starts looking hurt. I’m a wimp!

“Gunn, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just been a tough night.”

“Hey, no hard feelings, Cordy.”

We may fight lights cats and dogs but I just love these guys. Every second that we’re not fighting, hating each other, or threatening one another with lethal weapons I love ‘em to bits and pieces.

Riiiiiight. That makes perfect sense in a ‘that makes no sense at all’ sorta way. But I do love them.

“Wes man, I’m heading home. You need a lift, Cordy? Or do you want to stick around and wait for Angel?”

Stick around and wait for Angel like a little puppy dog? I think not.

“I’m going with you, Gunn.”

*The next night…*

I’ve spent the last 18 hours brooding. Brooding! I know! Can you believe it? I still can’t come up with a reason why Angel can’t go on a date with – her – but I do know that he just can’t! It’s like against all the laws of nature. Total madness…

So I’ve got a plan. Yes, a plan. I’m a very pathetic woman, I know. But anyway, the plan:

Do anything and everything in my power to keep Angel from going on this date.

Yep. That’s the plan. What was that? Plan B you say? Don’t have one.

Actually… threatening her might work. I’m just kidding… I’m pretty sure I’m just kidding… OK, so it's a fifty-fifty chance that I’m just kidding… thirty-seventy…


She’ll be walking in those doors any minute now. I have to be prepared.

I’d laugh at the absurdity of this situation if Angel weren’t sitting at the counter behind me. I’ve already got his head spinning from my whacko behavior. Just imagine if I started to crack up laughing just sitting here on the couch by myself. Scratch that. I actually don’t want to imagine that. Straight jackets are sure be involved.

But I’m sitting here on the settee psyching myself into thinking that some sort of apocalyptic demon is going to come strolling through the doors instead of a ditzy twenty-something year old.

Now that I consider it, she might turn out to be a demon. Damn! I wasn’t even prepared for that! I don’t have any weap—


Great, she’s here. And all she has to do is say one word and I’m ready to throw her back onto the street.

Angel gets up to go greet her, like the perfect gentleman he is, “Carly! You look great.”

Does not. She looks like a reject of – Hey! I have that dress! That tramp stole my dress!

But at least I can take solace in knowing I look way better in it than she does.

Time to move my plan into action…

“Carly!” I run up to her and link my arm with hers, “it’s so good to see you! I’m so glad there aren’t any lasting ramifications of your attack last night.”

That worked better than I had expected. She looks absolutely horrified. “W-What?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s just that, normally, whenever blonde females come within a five hundred foot radius of that demon bad, bad things happen. Very bad things.”

I’m loving this so much. “What kind of bad things?”

“Well,” it’s a good thing I thought all this up earlier, “your hair falls out. I mean all of your hair. And to the point where it can’t ever be grown back. And then you just start to blow up like a balloon,” I release her arm and demonstrated how large she would be with my own arms, “like everywhere. Imagine permanent bloating, only ten times worse!”

She just gasped! Don’t laugh. No laughing. That would ruin everything. Think boring thoughts. Demon cataloguing, research, visions, baseball…

“And that’s just the start of it all. Soon after you’ll be infected with really gross warts on your—Oof!”

Angel and I really need to sit down and have a little chat about this ‘elbowing Cordy in the gut’ dilemma he seems to have developed. I mean, hell-o? Super vampire strength? It really hurts!

That look Angel’s giving me may have shut me up last night but it’s not going to work this time.

“Carly, the symptoms are totally non-existent. One day you’ll just wake up bald and five times bigger!”

This is so much more fun than I thought it would be!

The look on her face…? Downright priceless. I wish I had a camera or something.

“Is there a doctor I can go to? Can it be st-stopped?”

Here’s the clincher…

“You mean you haven’t already gone?! You should have gone right away last night and gotten a vaccine! I hope it isn’t too late for you!”

“Cordelia!” Yikes. Angel sounds awfully pissed. I wasn’t quite prepared for his reaction. “Carly, what Cordy’s telling you isn’t true. None of the things she just told you are going to happen. Look at her. She’s perfectly fine and she didn’t have a vaccine!”

“That’s because I’m not blonde, Angel.”

“She’s right. She said it only affects blondes! OhmyGod. I’ve got to get to a doctor! Is it too late for me, Cordelia?”

Too easy. “What are you waiting for?! Leave now!”

“I am!”

Heh. That was perfect. I am a genius.

“Angel, I’m sorry, but I just don’t think it would have worked out for us anyway. You fight demons for a living, and me being blonde I’m more susceptible to being infected with bad demon mojos or something. You understand.”

I think Angel has gone into shock. He just nods and watches her go, stunned.

Did he just growl? OK, now would be a good time to make an exit.

Well, I didn’t get very far without him snapping his head around and glaring at me. A very scary glare, if I might add.

Tiptoeing would be so much more effective if I wasn’t wearing heels.

If I ran how far would I get?

“What the hell were you doing just now?”

Not very far, I presume.

“I was just warning her so that –“

“Warning her against what? You made all of that up!” I’ve never heard a person roar before. Until just now, that is.

“OK… so maybe select parts were a tad fabricated.”

“It was all fabricated!”

Somehow I don’t think I want to fight with Angel over this, considering he’s right and all.

“I know.”


Ow, my eardrums…

“You don’t have to yell!!”

Ow, my eardrums again… I didn’t know I could be that loud.

But I did get through to him. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Something he does to calm himself down.

“Just- why, Cordy? Why?”

I spent all day coming up with that plan and making sure that Carly didn’t take Angel out tonight without even knowing why I was doing it.

So it’s the utter truth when I tell him: “I don’t know.”

But does he believe me? Nooooo…

“You know, Cordy. And so do I.”

What’s with the long silence? Is he going to finish that thought or is it my turn to talk again?

“OK, so care to share with the class then?”

“You’re jealous.”

That’s the second time today that I’ve heard that and it’s driving me crazy. I am not jealous!

“You’re crazy! I am not jealous!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am n—“

Are those Angel’s lips on mine?

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