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The D E E P  D O W N  P A R O D Y Fic

Author: Dianna (artemisdb13@aol.com)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Dianna's deluded version of "Deep Down" :) Borderline insanity!!
Spoilers: Spoilers for "Deep Down" and late Season 3.
Disclaimer: Angel and characters created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement intended.
Distribution: Anyway, just ask.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Author's Note: This fic has a C/A edge, but is not strictly C/A -- more of an ensemble piece.

We start with an aerial shot of L.A., following the glittering lights and highways of the city. We follow the gorgeous panorama, the cars rushing by. All of sudden the camera changes direction and heads straight for Malibu bluffs. Splash! Our camera dives lense first into the ocean. Down, down, down, deep down...

Angel: "Help! HELPPP!"

Angel: "Is there nobody else down here?"

A school of fish swim by and start nibbling at the large metal box that Angel is trapped in.

*nibble nibble*

Angel: "Hello, Mr. Fishies."

He's been down here for quite awhile already.

Angel: "Just keep nibbling away. Really, I don't mind. Say, you don't see anyone else down here do you? No?"

The fish continue to nibble. *nibble nibble*

Angel: "How did I end up here? I'm glad you asked. It all started two years ago. You see, I was going through this beige phase, as Lorne put it (chuckles) --- that Lorne. Wonder how he's doing in Vegas. Anyway, I ran into an ex-girlfriend of mine. Blonde, very pretty --- no, no, not THAT one. The other blonde one---- Wait, does Cordy count as a blonde now, too? I think I have fixation..."

* * *

3 months ago

The Hyperion Hotel is big and echo-y. Echo-y because no one is there, except Fred and Gunn.

Fred: "Where is everyone?"

Gunn: "Ooh, I know, I know!"

Fred: "...Where?"

Gunn: "I don't know."

Fred: "Then why did you say you knew?"

Gunn: "I thought you'd think it was cute if I thought I knew everything."

Fred: "Oh. You are so cute!"

Gunn: "We are so cute!"

Fred: "Pancake kiss!"

*Kiss*

Gunn has a mischievious look in his eyes and a small smile creeping up his face.

Gunn: "There's no one here. We have the entire hotel to ourselves."

Fred: "No one? No Lorne? No Groo? No Angel and Cordy and their 'I had no idea you had feelings for me' cluelessness?"

Gunn: "Nope."

Fred: *grin* "You know what that means...."

Gunn: "I know what that means!"

They both know what that means....

Fred and Gunn: "A WALK TO REMEMBER!!!"

Gunn: "I'll get the popcorn for you! Extra buttery?"

Fred: "Yep. You know me best. I'll get the tissues for you! Extra absorbent?"

Gunn: "Hey!"

Fred: "Are you going to pretend you don't cry every time?"

Gunn: "....You know me best."

Fred: "You are so cute."

Gunn: "We are so cute!"

Fred: "Pancake kiss!"

*Kiss*

* * *

A closet. A bucket. Four walls. Not-so-soundproof walls. Muffled voices can be heard through them.

Wesley: "Mmshpsd hffrmm ymmmm."

Lilah: "Frmmm rerfrrrm mmmhhhh."

Wesley: "Dmmmm mmfffrrrwww."

Lilah: "MRRRRFFF!!!!"

Justine pounds her head against the closet walls.

Justine: *pound* "Would YOU MIND? Slavegirl's trying to sleep in here."

Justine: "Hey, Wes. I didn't know you were a PORN STAR!" *pound*

Justine: *pound* *pound* "I think you need to change my bucket!" *pound*

Wesley: Shrtt ufrppr!

Justine: "This is what I get for trusting a vengeance seeking, time-traveling guy from the 19th century."

Awhile later, the door opens. Wesley's standing there with that late Season 3/all of Season 4 broody-angsty-angry look on his face.

Justine: "You're a psycho."

Wesley: "No, you are. I'm Dark Wesley."

Justine: "I think keeping a slavegirl in your closet qualifies as psychotic."

Wesley: "So is slitting a person's throat in the park."

Justine: "Call it even?"

Wesley: "Yeah."

Wesley: "So... Let's go for a boat ride."

*Dramatic music. Daaah--DUM!*

* * *

52 movies, 52 jumbo bags of popcorn, and 52 boxes of extra absorbent Kleenex tissue later.

Fred: "Oh my god, it's been three months and everyone is still missing! What do we do? We've gotta find them."

Gunn: "And more than that, we've spent all our money on popcorn and Kleenex and have no more for the hotel's mortgage."

Fred: "Okay, I know Lorne is in Vegas. What about Connor?"

As if on cue, actually, it is on cue, Connor strolls in through the hotel lobby doors.

Connor: "Hello."

Fred: "Where have you been??? More importantly, do you know where Angel is?"

Connor becomes shifty-eyed.

Connor: "What? Um... What? *shift*"

Gunn: "Your dad. Tall guy, not overly tan, answers to the name Angel. A-n-g-e-l."

Connor: "I don't know." *shift*

Fred: "We can't find him or Cordelia, and I doubt they're on a romantic getaway."

Connor: "Let's go look for them and have some quality bonding time!"

Connor is excited and leaves to get his weapons. Gunn looks at Fred.

Gunn: "He's a strange kid."

Fred: "He's Angel's son, that's all that matters!"

Gunn: "Exactly, he's a strange kid."

* * *

Back in the ocean.

Angel: ".....So there went my Cordy with some big, muscled Tarzan to Cancun. Ooh, I'm the Groosalugg. I'm so special. I'm from another dimension. I've got a dumb name. I raid Angel's closet...."

The fish don't seem to be too interested. They've had enough nibbling and begin to swim away. *swim swim*

Angel: "Don't go! I haven't even gotten to the best part yet! There's kidnapping, betrayal, and vengeance later!"

The fish continue to swim, getting farther and farther from sight.

Angel: *mutter mutter* "Stupid filets!"

Angel: "Oh, well. Back to hallucinating . . . Cordy, have I ever told you that you have the most beautiful smile? It seems to light up the room wherever you go. You're my sunshine on those cloudy days, and let's face it, all my days are cloudy. But I don't need sunlight as long as I have --- What is that light?"

* * *

The lights of a small boat can been seen in the dark, empty sea. Wesley and Justine are fishing Angel's box out of the water.

Wesley: "It's a big one!"

They open up the box to find Angel in it, unconscious, and paler than we've ever seen him.

Justine: "You'd think the water would have washed out the hairgel."

* * *

Fred carries a tray up the stairs of the Hyperion Hotel, up to the room where Connor is staying.

Fred: "I made you a sandwich. Yum, yum, yum."

Connor: "Why did you make me a snack?"

Fred: "So I could bring it up here and talk to you."

Connor: "I don't want to talk, but I'll take the food. What kind is it?"

Fred: "Baloney."

Connor: "No tomatoes?"

Fred: (gently) "I know you had a traumatic childhood, being raised in a hell dimension."

Connor eyes the sandwich.

Connor: "Um... can I just have the food and skip the talk?"

Fred: (sharply) "No! The food comes with the chat - I didn't practice this speech for no reason!"

Connor: "Um... okay."

Fred: (impatiently) "Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah -- (back to gentle voice) It must have been horrible. I can't imagine what it was like... Actually, I can sort of, but that ruins the speech."

Fred, continuing: "You must have felt so lost and alone. You must have felt so---"

Connor: "Hungry?"

Fred: "---Hurt. And it must still hurt . . ."

Connor: "No, really, I'm okay."

Fred: "Ah, ah, ah! Don't interrupt."

Connor wonders what the Quor-toth is going on here.

Fred: "As I was saying, it must still hurt . . ."

Connor: "Mmm-hmm, it still hurts."

Fred: "Good! But not as much as it's going to hurt for what you did to you father!"

Connor suddenly gets it, and gets an "uh-oh" look on his face. Fred, meanwhile, pulls out a bag she's been hiding behind her back. A bag full of tomatoes and just starts throwing.

Fred: *throw* "Take that!" *throw* "And that!" *throw* "AND THAT!"

Connor ducks for his life: "Ahh!!! No tomatoes!! NO TOMATOES!!! Please, please, no tomatoes!"

* * *

On the boat, Angel is still completely out of it.

Angel: "Why is it like this? Life should be beautiful and bright."

Wesley: "He's delirious. He needs to drink."

Wesley looks at Justine.

Justine: "Screw you! I'm not feeding that thing!"

Wesley: "Did I say anything about you feeding anyone? No, you just inferred from my look."

Justine: "Oh."

Wesley: "Your blood's too thin. He needs something better."

Wesley pulls out a knife from offscreen.

Wesley: "No, this isn't it."

Wesley reaches offscreen again and pulls out a small can.

Wesley: "Ah-ha, Red Bull energy drink! Because Red Bull gives you wings!"

Justine: "And they sponsor the show."

* * *

The Hyperion Hotel is where we lay our scene again. Connor is tied up in a chair. Fred and Gunn hear the lobby doors opening and dash out. Wesley is there with Angel and helps him to a settee.

Wesley: "Special delivery . . ."

Fred and Gunn are horrified to see Angel's condition.

Gunn: ". . . Of damaged goods."

Fred: "Is he going to be okay?"

But Wesley is already making his way back out the door.

Fred: "Wesley, where are you going?"

Wesley: "I'm done here."

Fred: "You can't just go. You can't just bring Angel here like some *delivery boy* and leave!"

Gunn: "Yeah, don't you want a tip? I don't actually have any cash on me right now . . . Care for some popcorn or Kleenex?"

Wesley: "----Hey, that's delivery man."

As Wesley leaves, Fred and Gunn hear a noise in the other room where Connor is supposedly tied up.

Gunn: "Connor!"

Fred: "Oh no, oh no. I *knew* we should have sprung for extra sturdy packaging rope."

Gunn: "We couldn't afford it, remember?"

Fred and Gunn go into the room where Connor was. Connor jumps out with a taser and tasers Gunn, and then Fred.

Connor: "That's for exploiting my fear of tomatoes!"

Connor is about to leave, when he sees ---- Angel, standing in the doorway. Angel. Doesn't. Look. Happy.

Connor: "Uh, you're blocking the door to my quick getaway."

Angel: "Sit. Down."

Connor: "You're too weak to take me---"

Angel: "SIT DOWN."

Connor: "---Okay."

Connor gets a chair and sits down. Angel does the same.

Angel: "Now. Let me talk slowly so you can understand. What did you do to me?"

Connor: "I... I sunk you to the bottom of the ocean."

Angel: "Right. And was this good?"

Connor: "No?"

Angel: "Right."

Angel looks at Gunn and Fred, who are just recovering.

Angel: "And what did you do to Fred and Gunn?"

Connor: "I shocked them with a taser gun."

Angel: "Right. And was this good?"

Connor: "No."

Angel: "Right."

Angel looks at Connor again.

Angel: "So, based on your last two answers, what am I going to do to you? Am I going to kick you out of the hotel?"

Connor: "Yes?"

Angel: "Right! There you go, son! And everyone thought you wouldn't turn out to be a bright kid!"

As Connor leaves, Fred and Gunn rush over to Angel, who is about to topple over.

Gunn: "You need to rest, bro."

Angel: "No, I don't."

Fred: "Yes, you do."

Angel: "I've been lying down in one position for the past three months."

Gunn: "Good point."

Angel: "I need Cordy. We have to find her, wherever she is."

Fred: "We will."

Gunn: "Don't worry, man. The three of us will look for her, and we'll find her, wherever she is."

Fred: (beat) "What if she's near water?"

Fred and Gunn both look at Angel. A look of horror crosses his face for a split second, but then he smiles.

Angel: "True love can conquer all fears."

* * *

Cordy: "That's sweet, Angel."

We see clouds, and pure, beautiful light. It's like Heaven, and Cordy is the angel of Heaven.

Cordy: "And while I do appreciate all those mushy hallucinations you had of me . . . Get your act together, Mister! Get me out of here!"

Cordelia looks around the SFX-y higher plane.

Cordy: "God, I am so bored! There's nothing here. Nowhere to go, no one to talk to, nothing to do, and NOTHING TO WEAR! These people don't know the word 'fashion'."

Cordy pauses, thinks for a minute.

Cordy: "That's right, Angel, nothing to wear. I'm all... naked. Can you hear me? Shall I entice you with my nakedness?"

* * *

Back at the Hyperion Hotel, Angel suddenly springs to his feet.

Angel: "I'm coming to save you, CORDYYYYY!!!"

* * *

END.

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